1. DEAR GOD
The post office starts answering letters addressed to the Almighty. If they don’t deliver His mail, what chance have we got?
2. ELECTION DAY
May the best man win. But it will probably be Clinton or Dole.
3. THE KEVIN BACON GAME
Can you link the Footloose star to any other actor in six steps or less? Or do you have a job?
4. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY
They’re making a $50 million movie of the TV show. It shouldn’t cost that much, but Jim Carrey wants to play Shirley.
5. ROMEO AND JULIET
Sex, drugs, and violence. Who wrote this crap?
6. LARGER THAN LIFE
Bill Murray’s father bequeaths him an elephant. He feels cheetahed.
7. CAMPAIGN DONATIONS
Should the election be bought by rich foreigners? No, it should be bought by rich Americans.
It bashes women who judge men by their cars and their area codes. As opposed to, say, breast size.
9. DONALD TRUMP
He bought the Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA beauty pageants. His daughter couldn’t decide which one she wanted to win.
10. MELISSA ETHERIDGE
She and her girlfriend plan to name their child Austin. Their second choice was Akron.
11. GEORGE CLOONEY
The ER hunk is feuding with ET, according to Extra and E! I heard about it on E-mail.
12. CARLOS LEON
The father of Madonna’s baby has landed a part on Nash Bridges? She may not recognize him; he’s wearing a shirt.
13. ASHLEY JUDD and MICHAEL BOLTON
Wynonna introduced them. She knew him from Big Hair Anonymous meetings.
14. COURTNEY LOVE
She wants a part in the remake of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She’d be better in Lunch at Sid and Nancy’s.
15. TONYA HARDING
The former ice-skater saved a woman’s life in a bar. She told her bodyguard to stop beating the old lady.