1. THE RULES
Best-selling tips on how to snag a man. Of course, don’t waste the money if you have really huge breasts.
2. O.J. TRIAL
They dismissed one juror after one day. His book should be out anytime now.
It’s the one day you can feel free to wear the silliest costume you own. It’s how Dennis Rodman must feel all the time.
4. PUBLIC MORALS
Do they have to use such rude and vulgar language? It takes away from the death and violence.
It opened a beef-free branch in India. Right next to the KFC health-food store.
6. MICK AND JERRY
Mrs. Jagger is making noises about getting a divorce. Is he spending too much time at home again?
7. THE ASSOCIATE
To get ahead at the office, Whoopi Goldberg poses as a man. The hard part was having half her brain removed.
8. RICHARD SIMMONS
The fitness maven wants to become a doctor. Do they make tank-top scrubs?
9. BOB DYLAN
He didn’t want to let a bank use ”The Times They Are A-Changin”’ as its theme song. But it outbid Rolex.
10. SOUP NUTSY
A planned chain of take-out soup kitchens staffed with rude chefs. What a great idea for a Seinfeld show.
Fortune magazine calls it the most livable city in the country. The money you’ll save on sunblock there could pay for the move.
The Stephen King weight-loss program. Calories don’t count, but you die.
13. SHERYL CROW and ERIC CLAPTON
Rumor has it they’re an item. It’s a May-December thing. May 1975-December 1875.
14. MARTIN SCORSESE
He’s planning to do a film about Sinatra. Didn’t he already make GoodFellas?
15. HIGH SCHOOL HIGH
Prim teacher Jon Lovitz lands in the world’s worst school. They stuck him with the remedial graffiti class.