Sure, other magazines may publish page after page from Madonna’s diaries about her pregnancy. But we did our competition one better. We negotiated an exclusive contract with the Material Girl’s little girl herself! Herewith, an excerpt of the baby’s musings, which she began recording just two weeks before the blessed event.
Sept. 27: Another busy day here in the womb. Spent the morning choreographing my own kicks. Then I had to get ready for my ultrasound. I insisted Herb Ritts do it. (Otherwise, I told them I’d smash that probe to pieces like Uncle Sean told me to.) Mom says I ”give good fetus.”
Oct. 14: Birth! I took center stage at exactly 4:01 p.m. at Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles. I weigh in at 6 pounds, 9 ounces. Mom said I have to get down to 6 pounds, 7 ounces for the big photo shoot. (Reminder: Call Gymboree for workout appointment.) Later, saw my pediatrician, Dr. Paul Fleiss (yes, Heidi’s dad), giving Mom parenting tips. Made me nervous.
Oct. 15: Mom told me my name: Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon. I love it! Maria is the name of Daddy’s mom. Lourdes is a southwestern French town where, in 1858, a Virgin Mary appeared in a grotto. The tabloids are already saying ”Oh, Lourdes!” Well, at least she didn’t name me Yahweh.
Oct. 16: The long-awaited photo shoot arrived. Mom took pictures of me naked on a bearskin rug, then wrapped them in Mylar and made 500,000 copies. Meanwhile, she continues to be a parent extraordinaire. I was having trouble sucking on my bottle today, so Mom played me a scene from Truth or Dare that cleared things up.
Oct. 17: Talk about self-centered. Mom keeps saying ”Don’t cry for me.” Well, I’m not crying for you. I’m crying for my damn bottle. Sheesh! Later, at bedtime, Uncle Jellybean dropped by to remix Mom’s lullaby ”Rock-a-bye Baby” with a samba beat.
Oct. 18: Oh, the media frenzy! All of the important magazines are calling — Highlights, Ranger Rick, American Girl, you name it. I told them I’d cooperate, but only if I’m on the cover, and only if I can wear my purple Versace Pampers. I did, however, make my first appearance on Late Show With David Letterman to promote my single ”Bald Ambition.” But Uncle Dave wasn’t happy when I said ”pee-pee” and ”doo-doo” 34 times.
Oct. 19: Jackpot! The baby gifts are really rolling in. Uncle Sean gave me some of his special formula — 80 proof. Uncle Warren gave me an IOU for a candlelight dinner at a French bistro when I turn 18. Uncle Dances With Wolves (Mom calls him Kevin) got me a silver spoon (gag me!). Also, saw Daddy today. He was arguing with Mom’s bodyguards: ”Yes, I know her! My name is Carlos… C-A-R-L-O-S.”
Oct. 20: All this pressure. It’s time to let loose and have some fun. Called up my posse, Frances Bean Cobain and Parker Jaren [O’Donnell], and we went to the Discovery Zone — the VIP room, of course. (Remember to steal this look: pacifier with nipple ring.) When I got home, Mom was concerned. She sat me down for a serious talk — the facts-of-life talk. Seems the whole business centers around a stork. Oh, and also some bullwhips, dog collars, and about a half-dozen basketball players. Hey, us Ciccones are fast learners.