EW Staff
October 18, 1996 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”What can you count on in this world other than the sun’s going to come up and every Ally Sheedy movie is going straight to video?”
— Ellen DeGeneres, after her parents decided to separate, on Ellen

”On the [Senate] floor I said, ‘Now, gentlemen, let me tax your memories,’ and [Sen.] Kennedy jumped up and said, ‘Why haven’t we thought of that before?”’
— Bob Dole, on liberals’ inclination to tax, during the debates

”Who says baseball players aren’t heroes? Baltimore Oriole Roberto Alomar promised a kid in the hospital he’d spit on two umpires.”
— David Letterman on Late Show

”Last week Mother Teresa suffered a concussion. Doctors say she is back to normal except for one thing: She now hates poor people.”

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