1 Roberto Alomar He raises questions about sportsmanship in the ’90s. Like why wasn’t the ump fired for getting in the way of Alomar’s spit?
2 The Long Kiss Goodnight Geena Davis’ memory is shot. Her husband even had to tell her who directed Cutthroat Island. Kevin Costner.
3 The Fergie Suicide Watch The queen’s afraid she might kill herself. So they keep showing her The First Wives Club to cheer her up.
4 The Chamber A lawyer tries to save a racist killer on death row. As if there aren’t enough of them out on the streets?
5 Michael Collins The story of an early IRA organizer. He’s the ”Bizarro” Gandhi.
6 David Caruso Returning to series TV. There weren’t enough movie roles to go around for humorless actors with huge egos.
7 The Ghost and the Darkness Two lions out hunting humans. They must be stopped because they don’t have licenses.
8 Martha Stewart’s Gardener He’s suing her for overtime, but she’s not worried. Spun-sugar jury snacks, they’re a good thing.
9 Midol A teen was kicked out of high school for giving the legal painkiller to another student. We all know it’s the first step to Clearasil abuse.
10 Vertigo Jimmy Stewart has a fear of heights. What would it have been called if he had a fear of widths?
11 Curfews On weekends, teens are not allowed into the Mall of America without an adult. So who opens the Gap?
12 JFK Jr. He asked the press to give his wife some room. She can’t tell a photographer from a deranged stalker yet.
13 Princess Di Video Hoax With all that money, didn’t they think she could afford curtains?
14 Rosie O’Donnell Look Alikes She wants to fill her audience with them for one show. Will that many people admit it?
15 Goofycams Disney theme-park characters use cameras to catch abusive visitors. Then they’re sent to Lawyer Land.