1 First Grade Kiss A 6-year-old was punished for sexual harassment. He’s a little young to be running for office.
2 Kelsey Grammer He checked into the Betty Ford Center after an auto accident. And this time he’s staying until the car’s fixed.
3 D3 There’s only one sequel people want to see: The Mighty Ducks a l’orange.
4 The X-Files Premiere Agents Mulder and Scully are still empty-handed after three years. That’s how you get promoted in the FBI.
5 Macaulay Culkin He won’t be starring in Home Alone 3. He might be better off in Foster Home Alone.
6 Big The movie-based musical is one of the most expensive flops in Broadway history. They should have called it Big Cats.
7 Ted Turner He owns 1.5 percent of New Mexico. At least that’s what he lets them call it for now.
8 The Presidential Debates If you don’t want to sit through 90 minutes of back stabbing and slander, stay out of the pressroom.
9 Forbes 400 There are 135 billionaires on the list. The others have kids in college.
10 Dan Rather’s Hair One week it’s black, one week it’s gray. It’s the Dennis Rodman starter kit.
11 Istanbul The secret site of JFK Jr.’s honeymoon. Those reservations at the Quality Inn were a decoy.
12 That Thing You Do! An ode to the ’60s, when teens would scream and yell at their favorite bands. The exact opposite of today.
13 The Glimmer Man Quiet man Steven Seagal takes on the world. The only people he can’t lick are Siskel and Ebert.
14 Tommy Lee Pamela’s husband is accused of roughing up a photographer. For not taking their picture?
15 Madonna’s Baby It should get a salary for keeping her name in the news. The only way it could get more publicity would be if she named it O.J.