1 Astronaut Shannon Lucid She’s broken all the records for an American in space. For a nonabductee, that is.
2 ”Men Behaving Badly” Former Clinton campaign strategist Dick Morris wants to sue for royalties.
3 Princess Stephanie Her husband was caught with a topless playmate. She had no idea he wanted to go into politics.
4 ”Suddenly Susan” How did Brooke Shields get her own comedy show? They must have watched her dramas.
5 ”Clueless” Life is not easy at High Fashion High. One kid dropped out for getting a C in coordinated separates.
6 Anna Nicole Smith She’s trying to get a book published. It’s called My Cups Runneth Over.
7 ”The First Wives Clubs” Three women publicly humiliate their ex-husbands. You’d think they were still married.
8 Sheryl Crow Wal-Mart refuses to sell her new CD, so she’ll go elsewhere to fulfill her cheap, ugly clothing needs.
9 ”Ellen” Ellen DeGeneres may play the first openly lesbian character in a leading role on TV. Any more qualifications and it could be an Emmy category.
10 ”Roseanne” What would happen if the trashy Mrs. Conner became rich overnight? Divorce a few husbands and marry her bodyguard?
11 ”Last Man Standing” Bruce Willis in a remake of Kurosawa’s Yojimbo. Who can forget the first time they saw that?
12 Oasis The dueling Gallagher brothers canceled their U.S. tour, giving them more time to record. Next CD title: Get Out of My Life, You Stupid Twit.
13 Ann Landers She told Arnold Schwarzenegger that smoking cigars sets a bad example. He should take it out of his mouth when he shoots people.
14 O.J. Again When they find 12 people who haven’t heard much about him, let’s find out where they live and move there.
15 ”The New House & Garden” It’s going for a younger, hipper audience this time. That would be people without houses and gardens.