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Oscars 2017
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Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

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1 American Buffalo Dustin Hoffman and Dennis Franz fight over a nickel. It’s like being backstage at Friends.

2 Independence Day Hundreds thought aliens had landed after the movie ad ran on Spanish TV. Same thing happened the first time they showed Baywatch.

3 Boris Yeltsin They’ll repair his heart using Soviet medicine. They’re just waiting to collect enough leeches.

4 Feeling Minnesota Keanu Reeves runs off with his new sister-in-law. Couldn’t she just say, ”Thanks for the toaster”?

5 The Clint Eastwoods How happy are they to be expecting? They’re trying to get Steven Spielberg to direct the sonogram.

6 PETA It wants Fishkill, N.Y., to change its name to Fishsave. Just as soon as PETA changes its name to ”People Without Lives.”

7 Maximum Risk The real risk: You might be declared brain-dead if you can watch Jean-Claude Van Damme for 90 minutes.

8 The Beatles Anthology The 10-hour video collection sells for $160. It includes such little-known gems as ”I Want to Hold Your Wallet.”

9 Macaulay’s Parents They have to cut their $30,000-a-month spending in half. Rats, no more caviar on school nights.

10 College Football Nine Clemson Tigers have been arrested since February. Gimme an L! Gimme an A! Gimme a W! Gimme a Y-E-R!

11 Oprah Winfrey Forbes magazine says she earned $171 million over the last two years. It sounds good, but she put in a lot of two- and three-hour days.

12 Wheel of Fortune Vanna White will now turn the letters via computer. At last, she’ll have some leisure time.

13 Airport Security Still, no flight’s 100 percent safe. Except the shuttle between Iraq and Libya.

14 Doleman The owners of ”Soul Man” have asked the GOP not to use their song. It sounded like ”I’m an old man,” anyway.

15 The Neiman Marcus Catalog Here’s the deal. You buy the $9,000 doghouse, we’ll buy the puppy.

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