Jim Mullen
September 13, 1996 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1 Letterman CBS wants to try a commercial-free version of his show. Not to worry. If the ratings get any lower, it will be.

2 Dick Morris He impressed a prostitute by reading her Al Gore’s speeches? It’s a wonder she charged him at all.

3 ”Fly Away Home” The true story of a girl who taught a flock of geese to migrate. By the way, hunters said she tasted just like chicken.

4 Summer’s End You know the vacation’s over when gun stores start having their annual Back to School sales.

5 Winona Ryder and David Duchovny Little Women was rumored to be dating The X-Files. Now we find out Beth didn’t die; she was abducted by aliens.

6 ”The Sound of Music” It’s being released on video for the last time ”this decade.” How will we get through three years without it?

7 The Emmys Lots of VIPs reading TelePrompTers badly. It’s for people who missed the political conventions.

8 Tiger Woods The 20-year-old golfer has signed deals with Nike and Titleist worth $60 million. He has one caddy just to carry his wallet.

9 The Royal Divorce It’s finally done. So that’s the last we’ll hear about these two. Until tomorrow.

10 Hurricanes They’ve invented a hurricane rod. It’s called a million-dollar beach house.

11 ”Bogus” Gerard Depardieu is an angel invisible to almost everyone but the audience. Too bad it’s not the other way around.

12 Dog Day-Care Centers The latest fad — a place to leave Fido while you’re at work. Or when I’m visiting you.

13 Season Premieres Some are so bad the networks are reworking them. Funny, that’s never stopped them before.

14 Paul Newman He’s thinking of buying a Volvo dealership. Finally his age is starting to show.

15 Miss America You get to vote for the 10 finalists by phone. Until they catch Miss Congeniality buying speed dialers.

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