1 R.E.M., Inc. The band has signed an $80 million deal with Warner. It’s unbelievable. None of them even play basketball.
2 Binti the Gorilla She saved a human child that fell into her cage. Before her own kids could pick up any bad habits.
3 The Macarena The Jeopardy! answer is, ”What is ‘I’m soooo drunk’ in Spanish?”
4 Nail Polish for Men Guys, here’s a fashion tip: Pick a color that doesn’t clash with your nose ring.
5 Isuzu Troopers Consumer Reports says they flip over on certain turns. Hey, you wanted an off-road vehicle, you got an off-road vehicle.
6 The Crow: City of Angels A man returns from the dead to avenge his murder. Just once they can’t send a guy back to vacuum the living room?
7 The Stupids Starring Tom Arnold. A documentary, no doubt.
8 Queen Elizabeth II She’s thinking of modernizing the monarchy. She wants to start by buying clothes from this century.
9 Golf Punks You can tell that rock & rollers are taking over the links — Harley Davidson is planning to come out with a golf cart.
10 The Conventions The cast of Rent performed for the Democrats. The Republicans went with Keep Out ‘Da Noise, Keep Out ‘Da Funk.
11 Miss Universe How overweight is she? Let’s put it this way: They had to have the crown let out.
12 Campfire Songs ASCAP wants summer camps to start coughing up royalties. They’re trying to help them get a merit badge in litigation.
13 The Dukes of Hazzard The Nashville Network’s highest-rated show. Didn’t we get cable so we wouldn’t have to watch this stuff?
14 Om Perfume It’s a new Zen fragrance. You pay $19.50 and get an empty bottle.
15 Melissa Etheridge She’s announced her girlfriend is pregnant. That’ll put an end to the rumor that she’s impotent.