1 ”A Very Brady Sequel” Where they are all tragically killed by a disgruntled postal worker. Well, one can dream.
2 Life on Mars They found some, but it wasn’t intelligent. Maybe it came from their capital.
3 Jack Kemp Bob Dole’s bold, bold choice for VP. Reaching out to middle-aged, well-to-do, gray-haired white guys in suits.
4 Replace The fat-free additive that’s supposed to make skim milk taste like whole milk. But from what animal?
5 ”The Island of Dr. Moreau” Mad scientist Marlon Brando performs his evil experiments on animals. Has PETA heard about this?
6 ”The To Di Show” NBC has offered Princess Diana $5.8 million to be a morning reporter. Britain will get Willard Scott and a blond to be named later.
7 ”The Fan” Psycho Robert DeNiro stalks baseball player Wesley Snipes. Cape Fear of Dreams.
8 Tori Spelling Voted worst hair on television. And the only nominee to write an acceptance speech.
9 Christie Brinkley She’s announced plans to get married again. Of course, to her, ”Mind if I cut in?” is a proposal.
10 ”She’s the One” A man tries to divorce Jennifer Aniston in order to chase his brother’s ex-fiancee. Gee, it sounds more like a Christmas movie.
11 Pepsi Some guy is suing because they won’t award him a Harrier jet. C’mon, everyone else settled for ICBMs.
12 America Offline AOL wants its service to be as reliable as the telephone or electric company’s. So we can expect this to happen a lot.
13 Calvin Klein After Obsession, Eternity, and cK one, the recently separated designer has launched a new fragrance: Enough Already and Get Out.
14 Donald Trump He plans to erect the world’s tallest building. Unlike most people, who want to keep their feelings of inadequacy a secret.
15 The Big Baby There’s a 68-pound, 18-month-old child running around out there. Is Kerri Strug missing?