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Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

The 15 hottest topics for the week of August 16

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1 Jack Robin Williams plays a 10-year-old in a grown-up’s body. The technical term for that condition is ”a husband.”

2 GOP Convention Their system’s so much simpler than the Democrats’. The oldest person to show up gets the nomination.

3 Judd Nelson The ex-Brat Packer will play Brooke Shields’ boss on her new sitcom. He’ll have to do research on what it’s like to have a job.

4 ”Escape From L.A.” Kurt Russell in postapocalyptic Los Angeles, where there’s only one thing that’s not scarce. Black leather.

5 Tom Cruise He’s suing a German magazine for $60 million because it claimed he has a ”zero” sperm count. If he wins, each one gets a buck.

6 The Titan Arum A massive, ugly, foul-smelling flower that bloomed in London after 33 years. Prince Charles proposed to it.

7 Roy Disney Walt’s nephew has bought a supermarket chain. He’s already working on a shopping-cart ride through Frozen Foods.

8 ”Billboard” The music magazine opened a theme restaurant. The more burgers you buy, the higher they appear on the menu.

9 ”Tin Cup” Kevin Costner in what could be the most expensive golf movie ever made. Water-Hazard World.

10 Martin Lawrence The popular funnyman was caught brandishing a gun. It’s the NRA way of dealing with hecklers.

11 Welfare Reform The government will no longer pay you to sit around doing nothing. Unless you’re in it.

12 Sex Pistols The no-hit wonders are planning another tour 18 years from now. Then they’ll be called the Water Pistols.

13 Macaulay Culkin His parents say they’re broke. They should’ve thought of that before they stopped having cute kids.

14 Dead Red A wine made in honor of Jerry Garcia. For those special occasions, like when you’re serving cannabis au gratin for dinner.

15 Mark Fuhrman The man who found the bloody glove is writing a book: Airtight Cases and How to Blow Them.