August 02, 1996 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 Yellowstone Park It’s running out of money. Tourists report seeing signs that say ”Please do not feed the rangers.”

2 Madonna’s Doorman He won the lottery but he won’t quit his job. Funny, neither did her milkman or her postman when they won.

3 Robert Downey Jr. What a career. He’s gone from not being able to get arrested to being arrested once a week.

4 Joe’s Apartment Out-of-control cockroaches give a bachelor free advice. None of it cleaning tips.

5 ”Supercop” The latest Jackie ”I do all my own stunts” Chan release. Unfortunately, he does all his own acting, too.

6 ”A Time to Kill” A film of John Grisham’s first novel — not the O.J. videotape.

7 Trump Tower The Donald will make guest appearances on the soap opera based on his Manhattan high-rise. As the evil rent collector?

8 Anonymous The Primary Colors author turns out to be a political columnist. Ending the rumor it was written by someone who knew something.

9 Yves Saint Laurent He’s calling a lipstick Divine Brown. Hugh Grant’s calling his next movie French Designers Suck.

10 ”The Adventures of Pinocchio” Martin Landau’s marionette wants to become a real little boy. You never hear that kind of crap from Claymation.

11 Emmy Nominations ER and Chicago Hope got a total of 32 nominations. If an HMO was in charge, they’d each get one.

12 Baby Boomers Most of them think they look like 20-year-olds. And they do. Balding, out-of-shape 20-year-olds.

13 Donovan The ’60s pop star almost didn’t get a U.S. visa. He had to wait until a few million people snuck in ahead of him.

14 The Dream Team America’s highest-paid athletes whipped Angola’s butt. Who do they take on next — Vatican City?

15 Land Rovers The maker of the pricey vehicles is coming out with a line of rugged footwear. To wear from the car to the house.

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