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Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

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1 Buttman The giant cigarette is following Bob Dole around. Just one of the 6 million jobs President Clinton has created.

2 M2 MTV will launch a new channel that will play nothing but videos all day long. Someone should have done this 15 years ago.

3 Water Joe Folks are buying this bottled water with caffeine added. They make coffee with it.

4 The Royal Settlement Can Diana be bought off for a measly $30 million and two houses? Get real, the corgis would get that much.

5 James Dean The Postal Service has issued a stamp in his honor. Use it and your mail goes straight to the dead-letter office.

6 ”Kazaam” Shaquille O’Neal plays a genie. What does he grant you? Three swishes?

7 MSNBC A joint news project between Microsoft and NBC. Catchy name. It was either that or Storm Windows 95.

8 ”Multiplicity” Michael Keaton clones himself to keep up with the job and housework. The sci-fi part is pretending there’s a man who cares.

9 Hootie and the Scalpers The band wants to give everyone a chance at a good seat. What are they? Communists?

10 ”Harriet the Spy” A kid makes people nervous by writing down every word they say. They think she works for My Weekly Enquirer.

11 Cab Driving Statistics say it’s the most dangerous job in America. Fortunately, no Americans drive cabs.

12 Area 51 The ultra-supersecret spot in Nevada where the government hides the UFOs. Well, that’s what Bigfoot told me.

13 Van Halen Sammy Hagar’s out; David Lee Roth’s in. Someone sitting right on the 50-yard line must have spotted the change.

14 ”Courage Under Fire” Will Meg Ryan be the first woman to receive the Medal of Honor? Sure, if she wins the swimsuit competition.

15 The Olympics Let the games begin. The 100-meter line for food, synchronized traffic jams, and the souvenir sprint.

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