1 Atlanta ’96 The official temperature of this summer’s Olympic Games.
2 Lyle Menendez’s Engagement What a catch. Any more at home like you?
3 Robert Downey Jr. The edgy Chaplin star has been arrested on gun and drug charges. Maybe he’s trying to break into baseball.
4 Joey Buttafuoco He’s moving to California. He’s buying a ranch called Always-Always Land.
5 Le Fonz Henry Winkler is being honored by France for his contribution to the arts. We’re glad he stopped acting too.
6 ”Independence Day” Aliens try to destroy the entire world. Who knew they’d be so upset over The X-Files?
7 ”Phenomenon” Simpleton John Travolta suddenly becomes the smartest person on earth. Does he have a sex-change operation?
8 Virginia Military Institute Can women take the yelling and abuse? Are you kidding? That’s a step up from what they hear on the street.
9 Bill Gates The 40-year-old college dropout is worth $18 billion. With that kind of money, he could almost get a loan and finish school.
10 Tut Lite You can buy beer made from sediments found in an ancient Egyptian tomb. It’s called Rosetta Stoned.
11 O.J. He held a fund-raiser at his home to fight domestic violence. How convenient: The money never has to leave the house.
12 ”Melrose Place” Trading Cards How do you get them? In specially marked packs of condoms?
13 Hillary Clinton She’s had imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt. So? Bob Dole used to have real ones.
14 Berries Some people say eating them will make you sick. That’s too bad, because they taste so good with Olestra potato chips.
15 John Tesh The Internet is buzzing with rumors that he’s an extraterrestrial. That’s just silly. Lots of people sleep in pods.