1 Olympics Tickets More than 170,000 were sent out with the wrong times on them. Maybe synchronized proofreading should be a sport.
2 ”Quadrophenia” The Who are reuniting to perform their second-best rock opera. The evening will be called ”No Tenors.”
3 ”Moll Flanders” After a long struggle, an 18th-century prostitute finds love and happiness. Then she gets married.
4 Courtney Love To keep tourists away, she’s tearing down the greenhouse where Kurt Cobain killed himself. Another family vacation spot gone.
5 Rosie O’Donnell At last, a talk show won’t feature cross-dressing lumberjacks. Unless they’re really hot looking.
6 Father’s Day I got him a wonderful card. Now all I need is his name and address.
7 ”The Cable Guy” About an obsessive employee who makes life miserable for customers. At most companies, he’d be the boss.
8 Connie Chung She and husband Maury Povich will anchor a serious news program. They’ll report only the horoscopes of major world leaders.
9 Get a Ring Joan Rivers is engaged to an older man. Wedding guests plan to pelt the couple with rice pudding.
10 ”Stealing Beauty” Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler’s daughter Liv stars in a Bertolucci film. Whoops! I gave away the plot.
11 Andrew Shue The Melrose Place star is spending his summer playing pro soccer. Instead of not using his head, he won’t use his hands.
12 Bridal Showers A pyramid scheme to enrich engaged women. They act like they never used sheets and towels when they were single.
13 Jean-Claude Van Damme His wife has filed for divorce again. Someday they’ll have a patch to help people like her quit.
14 Whiskey Ads Seagram pitches booze on TV. Finally, 30 seconds where you won’t see car crashes or domestic violence.
15 Swimming from Cuba An Australian woman almost made it to Florida in shark-infested waters. She’s afraid of flying.