1 Keanu Reeves He may have dropped out of Speed 2 to tour with his band, Dogstar. He doesn’t want to miss out on any summer wedding bookings.
2 Jane Seymour She signed a lucrative deal with Clairol. In the next episode, Dr. Quinn buys herself one of them foreign-made buggies.
3 ”The Rock” Nicolas Cage breaks into Alcatraz to stop the bad guys. At least the music is different from Mission: Impossible.
4 ”L.A. Firefighters” The story of men with big hoses. Are there any dancers left at Chippendales?
5 Madonnabilia Someone is reportedly selling bits of hotel carpet soiled by her dog. How silly. Just wait for her kid’s diapers.
6 ”Beethoven” Scientists think they can tell what killed the composer from a lock of his hair. What do they suspect — fur balls?
7 Eclipse The virtually smoke-free cigarette. This used to be called a pencil.
8 Curfews The President wants kids home early on school nights. Do we all have to suffer because Chelsea is starting to date?
9 Lord Wimbledon Princess Diana’s brother is selling his title. After all the hard work it took to get it?
10 ”The Phantom” The masked hero wears a skintight purple costume. He looks like the love child of Barney and Batgirl.
11 San Fernando Valley The much-spoofed section of L.A. wants to secede. To become the City of Likewow.
12 Heidi Fleiss The ”Hollywood Madam” has won the right to a new trial. Seems she still has a few tricks up her sleeve.
13 Beanie Babies Stores can’t keep the cute $5 dolls in stock. If they were called A Sock Full of Beans you could get them for 50 cents.
14 British Vogue Princess Diana wants it to stop using anorexic models. And brunets and redheads. And blonds with long hair.
15 Spinal Tap They sing the praises of IBM in one new commercial. When it comes to computers, don’t trust anyone over 13.