1 Daytime Emmys Some people would kidnap their third wife’s evil twin to get one of these.
2 Ivanka Trump Donald and Ivana’s 14-year-old daughter has become a model. Another graduate of the Tori Spelling School of Hard Knocks.
3 ‘The Runaway Jury’ Would a tobacco company stop at nothing to win a case in John Grisham’s latest? Does a bear smoke in the woods?
4 L.A. It has the worst restaurant tippers in the country. But where else do you have to promise to read the waiter’s script?
5 ‘In My Own Voice’ Model Cindy Crawford’s inked a book deal. It must be good because it’s very tall and thin.
6 Prince William His Buffness is becoming a bubblegum pinup in Britain. Why not? He stars in one of its most popular soaps.
7 Yoko Ono She didn’t know that ripping pages out of the Bible would offend people. It doesn’t on her planet.
8 The 1,000-Pound Man They tore down a wall to get him out of his house. Luckily, it was made from Domino’s Pizza boxes.
9 John Tesh He’s leaving Entertainment Tonight to write more New Age music. You mean there’s not enough?
10 Princess Di She wants to buy the five-bedroom apartment once owned by Jackie O. It’ll make a nice walk-in closet.
11 Margaux Hemingway Another B-list celebrity starts a psychic hotline. She does sense one thing about you: that you’re a sucker.
12 Sen. Bryant Gumbel Politics may be in the Today show host’s future. Or he may decide to use his superpowers for good, not evil.
13 Terry McMillan’s ‘How Stella Got Her Groove Back’ She called RuPaul and asked where he bought his.
14 Coors They’ve worked John Wayne into their new beer commercials. It must be pretty good if dead people like it.
15 Mount Everest If it gets any more popular, ”Because it’s there” may become ”Because there’s a Starbucks there.”