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How to escape ''Where are They Now?'' status

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Are you a fading ’70s star who’d like to make more money? Sure you are! Like Cher, you can escape ”Where Are They Now?” status by following EW’s simple guide to reclaiming fame. Are you listening, Joyce DeWitt? Mark Hamill? Captain? Tennille?

See Pacific Bell Directory for Tarantine, Quentin. The director, with his love of ’70s cheese, gave John Travolta back his cool by casting him as Vincent the hitman in Pulp Fiction. Now, with a price tag of $20 million per film, the former has-been will never be a have-not again.

Work on your forehand. What came between Pretty Baby sensation Brooke Shields’ low-rent TV movies and her own NBC series, Suddenly Susan, coming this fall? Andre Agassi. Duh.

Pretend to die. Adam Rich, 28, the mop-topped kiddie star of Eight Is Enough and onetime resident of the Betty Ford Center, allowed the satirical upstart Might, a San Francisco-based magazine, to announce his early demise — by a gunshot wound — in a feature spoof of dead-celebrity tributes.

Refuse to die. Don Rickles served his time in the Las Vegas lounge scene and earned a supporting role in Casino, the honor of voicing Mr. Potato Head in Toy Story, and, most recently, a deal as the ”paid spokesman” for Comedy Central.

Refuse to die and fill your boots with Vaseline. Test audiences for this summer’s Striptease were so enthralled with Burt Reynolds, who plays a slippery congressman with a slippery-foot fetish, that the ending was reshot to keep him likable. Now he’s getting better buzz than Demi Moore’s breasts.

Die. Take note of the current I Shot Andy Warhol and the upcoming biopic of the late designer Halston. You too can rise again!

Wear a support bra. Three words — Mary Tyler Moore. Her uplifting scene in Flirting With Disaster proves that her comedic talents are still firm.

When in doubt, retread. Aging rockers Kiss are again donning their attention-getting greasepaint and platform boots. Note: Eight-inch tongue required.

Add two parts nostalgia, one part kitsch factor; Stir. In heavy rotation on VH1, American Bandstand reruns have been embraced once again by boomers reliving their bell-bottom-wearing, groovy-dancing glory days. Also in Bandstand‘s favor: Host Dorian Gray, uh, Dick Clark, asking ABBA about ”Kraut rock”; and the turtleneck-wearing Travolta singing his 1976 ballad ”Let Her In.”

Apply for a spot on Nickelodeon. Expect The Odd Couple mugs and T-shirts this fall, when the show joins the Nick at Nite cable roster. And given the inclusion of The White Shadow on Nick at Nite’s TV Land lineup, how hard can it be to get on? Go ask Alice.

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