1 Make-a-Wish Foundation They promised one 17-year-old he could go bear hunting. Wouldn’t that qualify the bear for a wish too?
2 Julie Andrews She’s declined her Tony nomination. That’ll get much more publicity for Victor/Victoria than winning ever would.
3 Jackie Junque Some bidders are trying to return the stuff they bought at the auction. It clashes with the velvet Elvis.
4 Mission: Impossible What you call trying to eclipse a Tom Cruise movie at the box office.
5 Arch Deluxe McDonald’s new hamburger is geared to adults. It’s easy to eat while on the NordicTrack.
6 Campaign ’96 The networks will offer free time to the candidates. The hard part is writing them into The X-Files.
7 Cannes Hollywood meets the Riviera. If tackiness has a Super Bowl, this is it.
8 UPS Passengers The parcel service will start flying passengers on weekends. The more you weigh, the more you pay.
9 Treadmills A report says they’re the best machines for burning calories. I prefer the oven.
10 Return to Sender The Postal Service may no longer deliver letters with insufficient postage. And only about half the ones with the right amount.
11 Gone with the Fire Margaret Mitchell’s house in Atlanta has burned down — again. Take the hint: She wants an eternal flame.
12 Heaven’s Prisoners Alec Baldwin’s latest effort. One more turkey and he can open a deli.
13 Princess Di She’s threatening to sell her jewels if Chuck doesn’t settle up soon. The sticking point is visitation rights. To his money.
14 Nancy Kerrigan The leggy ice skater has announced she’s pregnant. How much do you want to see ”Lamaze on Ice”?
15 Melanie and Antonio We now pronounce you husband and wife. Go and stay out of the papers.