Jim Mullen
May 03, 1996 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1 Oprah Winfrey She says she’ll never eat beef again after seeing what cows are fed. Who’ll volunteer to tell her what shrimp eat?

2 The Truth About Cats and Dogs A plain girl gets no attention next to a sexy beauty. Starring Uma Thurman and somebody.

3 The Quest Jean-Claude Van Damme as a multifaceted man in search of life’s deeper meaning. He also kicks people in the face.

4 The Beast From the author of Jaws, a giant squid that starts killing humans. Someone must answer for fried calamari.

5 Mulholland Falls Four bad cops run amok in ’50s Los Angeles. Only four? Those were the days.

6 London They’re building a huge Ferris wheel to attract tourists. A giant cow catapult might work too.

7 Sheets To conserve water, some hotels now ask guests if they want them changed every day. Only if you’re going to charge me every day.

8 Duff A company is sued for making Homer Simpson’s favorite brew. Its spokespeople, Itchy & Scratchy, say it’s a coincidence.

9 Citrus Colors The fashion mavens say black is out, lime green is in. Won’t that take the sting out of funerals?

10 Princess Di, Medicine Woman She goes to hospitals to watch surgeries. And you thought polo was a boring hobby.

11 Woody Harrelson He’s not paying $10,000 in taxes to protest something or other. It’s cheaper than moving to Montana.

12 Mitsubishi The automaker has been charged with sexual harassment. Who knew Bob Packwood could install spark plugs?

13 Jackie O.’s Auction Her junk went for more because she owned it. Now that you do, the price will drop.

14 Airiana, the Human Arrow There’s talk that the Ringling Bros. daredevil is really a man. Well, not since that bad landing.

15 Octopuses For some reason, Detroit Red Wings fans toss them on the ice. Hey, if they had any sense, would they be hockey fans?

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