1. BRAIN SHRINKAGE
A psychologist says this could be the cause of grumpy old men. Why? It doesn’t seem to bother young men.
The pregnant pop star’s got to take care of herself — she’s doing publicity for two now.
3. TOO MUCH TV
Studies say kids who watch more than five hours a day tend to be obese. We need an F-chip to block out those cooking shows.
4. MRS. WINTERBOURNE
Trashy Ricki Lake ends up in a family of snobs. The names have been changed to protect Fergie.
5. DI’S CELLULITE
The royal thighs looked rather lumpy. She claimed she got them from sleeping on a pea.
6. CELTIC PRIDE
Boston fans kidnap a rival basketball star to help their team. New York fans would have to kidnap Spike Lee.
7. MILLI VANILLI
Lip-syncher Rob Pilatus gets 90 days in jail for assault. Someone else will be in there, but Rob gets the credit.
8. TONYA HARDING
She’s divorcing her husband of 3 1/2 months. ”Till death, or like one really big argument, do us part.”
9. BREAKFAST CEREAL
Prices have dropped to $3 a pound. It’s cheaper to eat steak each morning.
10. DARK BEER
It can prevent heart attacks — you wouldn’t want to have one in the middle of a bar brawl.
11. THE SUBSTITUTE
Hard-nosed teacher Tom Berenger cleans up a tough school. You need passing grades to carry a gun.
12. CHARLIE SHEEN
He blames his divorce on becoming a born-again Christian. And he couldn’t get her to wear the French maid’s uniform.
13. PAVAROTTI’S GIRLFRIEND
She says that opera bores her stiff. So what is it she likes about him — the washboard abs?
14. LIZ TAYLOR
”SWF, likes producers, singers, actors, senators, construction workers, and romantic dinners.”
The best wisecracking-robots-watching-B-sci-fi-movies-in-outer-space film ever made.