1. DENNIS RODMAN BILLBOARD
It stopped cars in Chicago. They can’t afford lights?
Marky Mark plays a psycho who terrorizes a whole family. He forces them to listen to his records.
Plenty of wide-open spaces where you can get away from all the nutjobs who live in the big cities.
4. SUSAN LUCCI
She’s just received her 16th Daytime Emmy nomination. For every 15 nods you get one for free.
5. MARLON BRANDO
He upset some people by saying Hollywood is run by Jews. He’ll never eat seder in this town again.
6. JANE EYRE
A governess falls for the lord of the manor. Hard to believe Fran Drescher didn’t get the title role.
7. EARTH DAY
That reminds me, it’s time to vacuum.
Fox’s new series about an evil, ruthless businessman. Where does Rupert Murdoch get these ideas?
9. BURGERS FOR BULLETS
A Baltimore Burger King was giving out coupons for ammo — with every purchase of a collectible Freeman cup.
Her new show won’t be anything like SNL. It’ll be more like PMSNL.
11. UNABOMBER CASH-INS
CBS has already made a deal for a TV movie. That’s entertainment?
The Playboy magazine founder just turned 70. He’s made only one concession to age. He sleeps in a Craftmatic round bed now.
13. JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH
Can’t they make a film for parents and kids? Like Bob and the Huge Kidney Stone?
14. JEFFREY KATZENBERG
He’s suing Disney. Court TV will animate the trial and call it The Lying Kings.
15. THE MASTERS
Golf’s biggest tourney. Except for the O.J. Classic, where you must chip, sleep, and shower at the same time.