1. MURDER, SHE WROTE
Jessica Fletcher’s closing the book after 12 seasons. She refused to get a Rachel haircut.
2. PHIL COLLINS
The singing drummer has announced he’s leaving Genesis. After 25 years, he’s up to Exodus.
3. TACO BELL
They pretended to buy the Liberty Bell on April Fools’ Day. Next year, they’ll try a chain of gas stations.
4. O.J. JURY TAMPERING
It was a horrible miscarriage of justice. Someone tried to wake them up.
5. POLLEN SEASON
Wheezing, sniffling, dripping, and swelling make life miserable. I’d hate to get allergies on top of it.
6. ANDY ROONEY
He gave out the phone number of a critic who said the old crank should retire. Next week: How to squirt kids with a hose.
7. PRIMAL FEAR
Hotshot attorney Richard Gere inadvertently does some good. How can he make a living at that?
8. THE FREEMEN
Make the senators who keep voting with the NRA go get them out.
9. DAVID LETTERMAN
He’s going to San Francisco for a week. Like they don’t have enough sourdough bread.
Ex-presidential candidate Steve Forbes will host. If you watch, he’ll give you $400.
A husband hires Chazz Palminteri to kill his wife, Cher. What, he can’t wait a week for her to find someone new?
12. CLINT EASTWOOD
He married a 30-year-old anchorwoman. But he wonders why the clicker doesn’t work on her anymore.
13. MALE CONTRACEPTIVES
The British have developed a product that reduces sperm count. It’s a wallet-size photo of Princess Margaret.
14. PAMELA & TOMMY LEE
Penthouse has a tape of them having sex. Disgusting. It was supposed to be for friends and family only.
15. DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME
Why can’t they do this at lunchtime?