1. EXECUTIVE DECISION
Kurt Russell and Steven Seagal remove terrorists from an airplane. But can they do anything about screaming children?
2. STROM THURMOND
As the oldest to serve in the Senate, he’s seen a lot of changes in his 93 years. And he hasn’t been for any of them.
Friends star Matt LeBlanc is forced to room with a dirty, baseball-playing chimp. Is this another movie about college life?
4. GEORGE AND ALANNA CANCELED
They did not become the next Regis and Kathie Lee. They became the next Ferdinand and Imelda.
5. DAN RATHER
In his 15th year as CBS anchor. Actually, it’s been only 12 years, but the time with Connie seems longer.
6. AGASSI-SHIELDS ENGAGEMENT
It’ll be the perfect marriage. She likes the way he looks and so does he.
The first FDA-approved prescription wrinkle cream. Hey, it was either that or Ebola research.
8. SPRING BREAK
Mexico’s warning students to behave in Cancun. Or they’ll build a wall to keep Americans out.
A study shows that women who drink two cups a day are less likely to commit suicide. They can’t hold the gun steady.
10. JACKIE O
They’re auctioning her things. They’re serious about leaving laundry for more than 30 days, aren’t they?
11. TWO MUCH
When Antonio met Melanie. The only way this movie would be fun is if Disney turned it into a ride.
12. CHUCK NORRIS
The martial-arts star is opening a supper club-casino in Moscow. Your dinner is killed right at your table.
13. ”REAL LOVE”
The BBC won’t play the Fab Four’s new single. It’s the latest craze to sweep Britain: Beatlephobia.
14. ST. PATRICK’S DAY
Something’s fishy here. I’m already getting green bread at my supermarket.
15. F. LEE BAILEY
Every time a lawyer goes to jail, an angel gets its wings.