1. NEW MEXICO
An Olympics ticket seller didn’t know it was in the U.S. But she’s afraid a foreigner will take her job.
2. TV RATINGS SYSTEM
M for Mindless, BN for Brain Numbing, AS for Aaron Spelling.
3. THE BIRDCAGE
Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as a gay couple posing as straight. Cheap, ugly clothes should do the trick.
4. JULIE ANDREWS
The star of Victor/Victoria had an emergency gall bladder operation. Or was it prostate trouble?
5. THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS
The public picks its fave entertainers. Good luck, Marcia Clark and Johnnie Cochran.
6. THE IDITAROD
Alaska’s famous dogsled race. And who always gets the prize? The human.
7. JFK JR.
He had a spat with his girlfriend in a New York park. Probably over who was better-looking.
8 .PRINCESS DI
She’s agreed to a divorce. The one thing for which the English don’t have a staggeringly pompous ceremony. Yet.
9. MALIBU SHORES
The problems of thin, pretty, young people. ”Oh, God! There’s bird doo on the Jag!”
10. ALICIA SILVERSTONE AND ADAM SANDLER
They’ll end up fighting over the ”I’m with stupid” T-shirt.
11. ALIENS IN THE FAMILY
A human moves back to Earth with his wife from another planet. The Leona Helmsley Story.
12. WOODY ALLEN
He’s touring Europe with a jazz band. And the answer is, What’s a good way to avoid Americans?
A surreal murder mystery-comedy set in the frozen north. Twin Peaks, She Wrote.
14. THE BEATLES
The Fab Three turned down $225 million for 22 shows. Boys, it’s time to change those hearing-aid batteries.
15. THE PILLSBURY BAKE-OFF
For the first time in history it was won by a man. Few women would’ve thought of Fried Baloney Pie.