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The funniest TV lines from Feb. 2, 1996

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”Yeah, well, just be glad he’s not playing a smaller instrument.” — Rachel (Jennifer Aniston), after her mom (Marlo Thomas) spied the Ugly Naked Guy playing the cello, on Friends

”It’s a list I made up when I was 12 of things I wanted to do before I die. Omigod. How embarrassing. No. 1: Touch a boobie.” — Drew Carey on The Drew Carey Show

”Lisa Marie has filed for divorce. According to her attorney she’s going to make him pay through the noses.” — Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”George Burns turned 100 years old today. I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either.”