1 ELLEN The network keeps changing her time slot, but she shouldn’t worry. Look what it did for Northern Exposure.
2 WAYNE NEWTON He’s done 25,000 shows in Vegas. That brings back memories — like the time we lost all Billy’s college money.
3 O.J. It wasn’t easy making that video. No one wanted to be near him when they yelled ”Cut!”
4 IT TAKES A VILLAGE Hillary Clinton’s book about kids. If we don’t raise them right, they’ll grow up to be like Al D’Amato.
5 SUPER BOWL How many people know a Cowboy? We need the Downsized Middle Managers and the No Benefits Temps.
6 JULIA ROBERTS AND MATTHEW PERRY It’s hard to believe they’re an item. She’s soooo picky about men.
7 PRINCE PHILIP A new book says he yells at his wife. ”Who do you think you are — the queen of England?!”
8 FIRST BANKRUPTCY MONEY magazine reports the Clintons are broke. Maybe they could pawn Air Force One.
9 THE GOLDEN GLOBES Hollywood’s foreign press votes, and the Russian judge still gives everything a 4.6.
10 JOHN GOODMAN He may not return to Roseanne. Not to worry — his part can be played by the replacement Becky.
11 THE BARD A prof has proved an old poem was written by Shakespeare, and not by Nipsey Russell as many had believed.
12 A CURRENT AFFAIR The tabloid show gets the ax. Stay tuned for our exclusive on their heads falling into the basket.
13 MAN UNDERCOVER Body-shaping underwear for men. It’s great. It lets you sit closer to the bar.
14 THE ROLLING STONES They’ve canceled a tour. Damn those arthritis flare-ups.
15 L S ANGEL S $300,000 spent to fix the signs on Wilshire Boulevard. That should keep fed up Angelenos from moving to Oregon.