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MY FAVORITE MARTHA

THE HOUSE OF STEWART RULES TV

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HOUSEHOLD SAINT Martha Stewart clearly isn’t content to rest on her home-grown, handwoven laurels. Each week, Stewart holds forth on her own syndicated series Martha Stewart Living (with repeats on Lifetime, Monday through Saturday, noon-12:30 p.m.), but she’s also becoming the tube’s most popular houseguest. She pops up regularly on Today, visited Ellen in November, sat for a 60 Minutes portrait and hung the White House wreath in a CBS Christmas special last month, and this week turns up in the new sitcom 3rd Rock From the Sun, spooning cobbler to a Stewart-smitten alien. Why stop there? Every show on television could benefit from the Martha touch! Here are a few ways she could continue to carpet America’s TV rooms with wall-to-wall Martha:

NYPD BLUE Martha gives tips to the cops on how spent bullet casings can be strung on curtain rods to spruce up the precinct house.

LATE SHOW Martha takes over the Hello Deli from Rupert Jee and tells his neighbor, David Letterman, how to prepare his canned hams.

MELROSE PLACE Martha helps Amanda hem her skirts even shorter.

ER Martha shows the doctors wonderful ways to embroider a patient with fancy stitches.

MURPHY BROWN Like Eldin before her, Martha drops in to redecorate Murphy’s home and never finishes.

FRIENDS Martha moves in with the Ugly Naked Guy and takes him clothes shopping.

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD After she serves them gourmet blue-corn nachos as TV snacks, the boys hit on Martha. They score.

THE REAL WORLD The next edition takes place in Martha’s Connecticut estate. Puck returns and Martha teaches him how to bake finger-lickin’ peanut butter cookies.

MARTHA STEWART TALKING Martha hosts her own daytime trash-talk show, featuring such topics as ”My Dad Knits Naughty Nighties” and ”Husbands in Prison and the Women Who Bring Them Homemade Potpourri.”

WRESTLEMANIA Martha becomes a professional wrestler known for whacking archenemy Hulk Hogan with garden tools while crying, ”It’s a good thing!”

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