1 PRIDE AND PREJUDICE Jane Austen’s 182-year-old story about young men and women. Like Friends in corsets.
2 TAMMY FAYE They’ve given this mascara abuser her own talk show. Finally, a program where the host is more bizarre than the guests.
3 BUDGET BATTLE If nonessential workers are being furloughed, why does Congress still show up for work?
4 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN Visitors from another planet come to Earth. So the Jacksons are finally doing a series.
5 THE ”NOVELTY-SEEKING” GENE They found it between the ”Bowling League” gene and the ”Kiss Me, I’m Irish” gene.
6 THE GIANTS Idiot fans pelted the visiting team with ice balls. But face it, there’s no such thing as smart Giants fans.
7 MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Comedy Central cancels the show featuring puppets talking back to B movies. Now it just plays the movies.
8 12 MONKEYS Bruce Willis goes back in time to prevent a plague, but no one listens to him. Next time, try talk radio: They’ll believe anything.
9 MR. HOLLAND’S OPUS Absolutely nothing like Dead Poets Society. This guy teaches music, not English.
10 BONO IN SARAJEVO The Irish rocker turns up in a city torn by years of religious warfare. Isn’t Belfast closer?
11 MADONNA She faces jail time with bail set at $5 million if she doesn’t show up at her accused stalker’s trial. And don’t make him stalk you again, young lady!
12 PREDICTABLE ’96 PREDICTIONS You wouldn’t take ’em seriously if you could remember what they predicted for ’95.
13 WAITING TO EXHALE Men see a movie called Nasty Male Bashing; women see one called Ain’t It the Truth, Girlfriend.
14 PRINCESS D-I-V-O-R-C-E The British tabloids say she’s agreed to make it official. But she won’t sign unless she gets the subjects every other weekend.
15 BIO-DOME Pauly Shore’s latest comedy. I say if the Serbs act up, we drop it on them.