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Sound Bites

The funniest TV quotes of 1995

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”My mom always said men are like linoleum floors: Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for 30 years.” — Grace (Brett Butler, right) on Grace Under Fire

”Let me ask you something: If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire?” — Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), to a polygraph tester, on Seinfeld

”Newt Gingrich says that the baseball players and owners should be forced to watch Field of Dreams. And if they haven’t settled the strike in a month, they should have to watch the rest of Kevin Costner’s movies.” — Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect

”There’s so much I don’t know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that cool wheelchair guy!” — Homer (left), trapped in a computer-animated ”third dimension,” on The Simpsons

”The Menendez brothers’ second trial has started. Apparently, their plan is to convince the jury that they were once great football players.” — Conan O’Brien (right) on Late Night

”President Clinton closed Pennsylvania Avenue. And it’s working out pretty well—not a single gunman has been hit by a car.” — Jay Leno (left) on The Tonight Show

”We were one egg once, but we grew apart.” — Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow), discussing her estranged twin sister, Ursula, on Friends

”I think we’re making a step forward, because now rock stars are dying in treatment centers instead of hotel rooms.” — George Carlin, discussing Jerry Garcia’s death, on The Late Late Show With Tom Snyder

”Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett broke up this week. Roberts says that for her, the marriage was over when she realized ‘I’m Julia Roberts, and he’s Lyle Lovett.’ ” — Norm MacDonald on Saturday Night Live

”I’m a little confused. I heard — and I’m not clear on this — that Hugh Downs was arrested with a hooker?” — David Letterman (right) on Late Show

”O.J. Simpson had no trouble fitting into a second pair of leather gloves this week. Simpson then asked the court: ‘Can I keep these? I lost my old ones.”’ — Dennis Miller on Dennis Miller Live

”Hey, did you see the bathroom door? It slides into the wall—just like Star Trek!” — Mark (Glenn Quinn), admiring his new trailer-park home, on Roseanne

”Is that Courtney? I just wanted to stop by and let you know how bad I feel about Kurt Cobain.” — Hank (Jeffrey Tambor, right), mistaking Courteney Cox for Courtney Love, on The Larry Sanders Show

”Last month, my aunt passed away. She was cremated. We think that’s what did it.” — Jonathan Katz on HBO Comedy Half-Hour

”The wind doesn’t bother me. I’m in the United States Senate.” — Bob Dole, campaigning on a breezy day, on C-SPAN

”To all those people who said my show wouldn’t last, I have only one thing to say: ‘Good call!”’ — Jon Stewart on the final Jon Stewart Show

”Is he The One, or is he just the dude you’re nailing now?” — Mike, asking Jacinda about her boyfriend, on The Real World

”Eddie and I have an agreement: He doesn’t roll around on my couch, and I don’t throw him in front of a bus.” — Frasier (Kelsey Grammer), about his dad’s dog, on Frasier

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