1 Blockbuster The video chain won’t rent Showgirls until they cut the pseudo-pornography. What’d be left?
2 Michael Jackson His HBO special may be seen by 250 million. Introducing the songs ”Let’s Play Doctor” and ”Pup Tent.”
3 Cadillac Recall General Motors has been putting something in them that increases air pollution. Owners.
4 Chris Darden The O.J. prosecutor signed a mega-movie deal. He’ll play Nordberg in the next Naked Gun movie.
5 The CIA The ”intelligence” agency paid millions to psychics. ”General, we have an urgent message from Dionne Warwick!”
6 Jerry Garcia’s Autobiography One Deadhead said he’d wait for an autographed copy.
7 Michael Jordan He’s the world’s highest-paid athlete. Why does the only person who can afford $150 sport shoes get them for free?
8 Martha Stewart Her own TV special. Want your place to look like hers? Make sure your cook and gardener watch it.
9 Jodie Foster Threatened on the Internet, but everything turned out okay. A guard wrestled the computer to the ground.
10 Howard Stern on the Tonight Show What did Jay think he’d do? Adopt one of Sally Struthers’ children?
11 Georgia A singing star is dogged by her ne’er-do-well sister. I guess calling it La Toya would cause legal problems.
12 ABC It wants to start a 24-hour news channel to vie with CNN. Then it wants to start a bad-program network to go against CBS.
13 Bosnia Hell, no, I’m too old.
14 Father of the Bride Part II Mother and daughter are pregnant. Now they decide whether to go on Geraldo or The Richard Bey Show.
15 Ann Landers She’s apologized for insulting the Pope. Well, she never said she was infallible.