1. Vampire in Brooklyn Eddie Murphy as a bloodsucker. Don’t worry. In New York, they’re the good guys.
2. Mighty Aphrodite Woody Allen has serious wife troubles. She’s actually over 25.
3. Bobby Brown He’s reportedly in rehab. ”And what made you seek help, Mr. Houston?”
4. Copycat Nothing at all like The Silence of the Lambs. This time two women chase a serial killer.
5. Cagney and Lacey Together to solve one more crime. Do we get our policewomen from a temp agency now?
6. Leaving Las Vegas Nicolas Cage drinks himself to death with a hooker’s help. The ”feel-good” film of ’95.
7. Roseanne More trouble on her hit show. What now? Did she catch someone using her broomstick?
8. Kevin Costner He left his agent. Whoops! There goes his 15 percent of Kev’s Waterworld profits.
9. The World of James Bond At least 007 doesn’t use a Miracle Mop to kill people in this infomercial for Goldeneye.
10. Streisand: Her Life A biography that claims she had an affair with Elvis. Shortly after his death, no doubt.
11. The Beatles Buzz is building for their six-hour TV retrospective. Gee, you’d think they were Hootie & the Blowfish.
12. George Clooney He may play the Green Hornet. If you’re going to use a mask, why not get someone ugly?
13. Sanctuary Cher’s got a new catalog of Gothic home accessories. ”Elijah Blue! No jousting in the living room!”
14. John Travolta There’s already Oscar talk about his acting in Get Shorty. So far there’s only one person who can beat him: O.J.
15. Halloween Young children in masks demanding goodies. Usually it’s called mugging.