1 Newt’s Book Tour
I’ll wait for the paperback. It burns easier.
2 Bridges Perfume
Inspired by The Bridges of Madison County. Essence de Pickup Truck.
3 John Wayne Bobbitt
Reports say he wants a penis enlargement. Wouldn’t it be cheaper if he just bought smaller hats?
4 Stefanie Powers
The tabloids say she pressured a male assistant to have sex with her. Has his job been filled yet?
5 Coors Trading Cards
The giant brewer says they’re not for kids. Come on, no adult drinks that much.
6 Leona Helmsley
Did the hotel queen really make employees do her court-ordered work? You mean she was supposed to shake people down for tips herself?
7 Monica Seles
She’s returning to pro tennis two years after being stabbed. No fair yelling ”Watch out!”
8 Bo Derek
She agrees with Bob Dole that movies have too much sex and violence. Great minds think alike.
9 Commercials on PBS
The network’s afraid they’ll turn off viewers. If ”pledge week” doesn’t, nothing will.
10 Capt. Scott O’Grady
He’s already getting offers for his story. The only hang-up: how to work a naked lady into the plot.
11 The IBM Lotus Takeover
It cost Big Blue $3.5 billion. Shrewd move because the other bid was…oh, yeah, nothing.
The blond-bewigged, cross-dressing superstar has penned his autobiography. No, it’s not a pop-up book.
So if Michael Jackson’s new CD sells, it means he’s innocent. It can’t be any sillier than the system we use for O.J.
Steven Spielberg’s opened a sub-shaped sandwich shop in Las Vegas. The Catch o’ the Day, my friend, is you.
15 Liver Transplants
Mickey Mantle had to wait just like everyone else. Lucky no one more famous was ahead of him.