Jim Mullen’s Hot Sheet
1 Baywatch Suntan Lotion
It’s easy to find in the drugstore. It comes in gallon jugs.
2 The MTV Movie Awards
Remember: no shirt, no shoes, no award.
The Powhatan maiden who begged for Capt. John Smith’s life. ”C’mon, Dad. What’s he gonna do? Kill us and take all our land?”
4 Bob Dole
He’s against mindless Hollywood violence. How long are we gonna let movie-wielding thugs terrorize our cities?
5 NBA Championships
Shaq’s 7 feet tall, 300 pounds, and wears size 22 shoes. We used to have teams smaller than that.
6 Michael Jackson
He’s just a regular married guy. Hey, let’s go down to Elizabeth Arden for a few brewskis.
7 Batman Forever
Here’s one for the Riddler: What’ll earn hundreds of millions this summer and still lose money?
8 National Geographic
Folks have called up for the Bridges of Madison County photographer. If I’m ever on trial, please let them be on my jury.
9 La Toya
She’s starting a 900 number to tell family secrets for a few bucks a minute. Shouldn’t you really be calling a help line?
10 Mike Ovitz
Why didn’t the world’s most powerful agent take the top job at MCA? Why take a demotion?
11 The Beverly Hills Hotel
It has reopened after 2 1/2 years. It’s very swank. Room service has an unlisted number.
12 Larry King Live‘s 10th Anniversary
Say what you will, but for my money no one on TV uses clichés better. And you can put that in the bank. Go ahead, Altoona.
13 The Powerball Jackpot
A pregnant coed won $87 million. So that’s how the new student-loan program will work.
14 Summer Vacations
You know the trouble with those unspoiled places we like so much? They never have enough parking lots.
15 The Space Shuttle Discovery
The launch has been delayed by damage from woodpeckers. Not to worry. It’s nothing a few billion dollars can’t fix.