1 Die Hard Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson take on a mad bomber. Where do they come up with these farfetched ideas?
2 Babs in Concert Streisand doing what she does best. Kvetching.
3 Wings Rumor has it that some of the cast threatened to quit over a money dispute. If they hired new actors, who’d notice?
4 Forget Paris Billy Crystal tries to save his marriage. If he only knew what every woman longs to hear: ”Cash or charge?”
5 Prom Season There’s something you don’t often see. Limousine drag racing.
6 The Laverne & Shirley Reunion It’s been so long. Which one is Warren Beatty’s sister?
7 Female Golfers Did a commentator really say breasts get in a woman’s way? Plus you can’t grab ’em if she’s holding a club.
8 Salman Rushdie Iran can’t lift his death sentence even if it wanted to. And I thought Sister Margaret Mary was strict.
9 Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith Their on-again, off-again marriage is off again. It’s the matrimonial version of the Clapper.
10 The Englishman Who Went… It’s a bad sign when people look at their watches while reading the title.
11 The NRA Supporting our right to bear arms against people who disagree with us. The Founding Fathers must be so proud.
12 The Sipowicz Wedding Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Yeah, sure, why not?
13 No. 23 The Bulls were fined $25,000 when Michael Jordan switched back to his lucky jersey. That’ll dent his change dish.
14 Hip-Hop Aerobics Video MTV shows you how to have washboard abs. Drop the remote 800 or 900 times.
15 The Liz Taylor Story Why is she still famous when she hasn’t made a watchable movie in 25 years?