December 30, 1994 at 05:00 AM EST

1 Forrest Gump The story of a simpleton full of pithy sayings who becomes wildly successful. Bigger ears and we’re talking Ross Perot.

2 Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley The only surprise that could top the marriage would be to find out he’s cheating on her.

3 O.J. Simpson If I die before his trial is over, I want the media charged with boring me to death.

4 The Baseball Strike Otherwise known as The World Series of Stupidity.

5 Caning Teens in Singapore Some countries get to have all the fun.

6 Three Strikes and You’re Out People think we’ve been going too easy on criminals. Let’s get really tough — stop letting them run for Congress.

7 Geffen, Katzenberg, And Spielberg How huge are they? Neil Young wants to sing with them every now and then.

8 The Barbra Streisand Tour Is there nothing this woman can’t do? She sings, she acts, she produces, and, at $350 a ticket, she even scalps her own concerts.

9 Flesh-Eating Bacteria Ate My Face But it really works great on those hard-to-clean stains around the tub.

10 Woodstock ’94 What was the point of giving up acid if we’re going to have flashbacks anyway?

11 Tonya Harding She’s missed a golden opportunity: Snow White Trash on Ice.

12 NYPD Blue Except for the strong language, the bare backsides, and all the drama, it’s just like real life.

Roseanne’s Divorce Tom Arnold should be the next stand-up comic to write a book. He can call it Dumb Man, Smart Choices.

The Internet And what’s the hot topic on this incredible technology we call the Information Highway? Who’s better, Kirk or Picard?

In The Kitchen With Rosie The fastest-selling hardcover book of all time from Oprah Winfrey’s personal chef. All my personal chef says is ”Want fries with that?”

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