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What's the Frequency, Brandon?

Our Fantasy Soundtracks for ‘Melrose’ and ‘90210’

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Not only can you watch Melrose Place and Beverly Hills, 90210; you can listen to them, too, thanks to two new soundtracks. But the records’ producers have it all wrong. Melrose Place: The Music emphasizes alterna-acts like Urge Overkill, who play during the show’s closing credits (as if Amanda would listen to Dinosaur Jr!), while Beverly Hills, 90210: The College Years features club pop like Lisa Stansfield (Dylan into Eurotrash? We think not). Here’s our wish list for future albums:

Melrose Place * Amanda (Heather Locklear): Likes to do business to John Tesh’s Sax by the Fire. * Jake (Grant Show): Revs his Harley to working-class shlub Travis Tritt. * Billy (Andrew Shue): Humiliates self by bashing on ex-gal Alison’s door demanding his Counting Crows CD. *Jo (Daphne Zuniga): Huffs and puffs to Enya during birthing classes. *Matt (Doug Savant): Doffs his Gap gear for drag-queen duds while voguing to the Pet Shop Boys. * Jane (Josie Bissett): Begged by Carnie Wilson to fill Chynna Phillips spot in Wilson Phillips after Carnie spots look-alike Jane in the dress shop. * Sydney (Laura Leighton): Gets into the hooking-and-conniving groove to pre-Sean Madonna.

Beverly Hills, 90210 * Dylan (Luke Perry): Cranks Pearl Jam when feeling sorry for himself. * Brandon (Jason Priestley): Writes checks for rain-forest preservation to the accompaniment of Sting. * Kelly (Jennie Garth): After dating every man on the show, Kelly has a sexual-orientation epiphany at an Indigo Girls show.* Steve (Ian Ziering): Hurls chow in frat house to the Spin Doctors. * Donna (Tori Spelling): Still bops to 90210 guest stars Color Me Badd, much to the embarrassment of friends. *Valerie (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen): Meets Drew Barrymore at an AA meeting and becomes a Hole groupie, much to the embarrassment of Courtney Love.