1 MADONNA’S BABY She doesn’t know what she’s in for. It’s so hard to get leather diapers cleaned.
2 PRINCESS DI IN THE U.S. She wanted to get away from it all for a while. Fine. Put her on the O.J. jury.
3 STARGATE A magic portal lets people travel to another dimension. The bad news is they still have to go through O’Hare.
4 THE ROAD TO WELLVILLE A film on crazy cures at turn-of-the-century spas. That was before the garlic-pill-and-tofu rage.
5 THE BELL CURVE A book on race and intelligence. It makes you wonder — what’s the IQ of the average racist?
6 NEW YORK CITY MARATHON About 25,000 people running 26.2 miles. They couldn’t find a closer place to park.
7 ROSEANNE’S MARRIAGE PLANS She’s not kidding about marrying her bodyguard. They’ve probably booked the tattoo parlor.
8 THE POPE’S BOOK Who’s gonna give it a bad review? Salman Rushdie?
9 THE SAN JACINTO RIVER They do things big in Texas. Where else can your flood-insurance policy be destroyed by fire?
10 THE O.J. JURY POOL There’s a lesson here. Next time we should sequester 300 jurors before the murder.
11 LIZ TAYLOR Rumor is she gave Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson marriage advice. Mickey Rooney must have been busy.
12 STANDARD TIME What a great idea. Now you can get mugged an hour earlier.
13 ER The first network smash hit this year. Cast members should start threatening to quit and demanding raises any day now.
14 SEAFOOD The food police say fish is okay to eat as long as it’s not fried, buttered, or covered in cheese. But who would want to?
15 BOTTLED WATER FOR DOGS There’s nothing like it after about 20 minutes on the CatMaster.