Jim Mullen
August 12, 1994 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. The Presley-Jackson Marriage They’ll have beautiful children. No matter what the plastic surgery costs.

2. Airheads A bad band takes over a radio station. How would listeners know?

3. Shane Black The Lethal Weapon writer got $4 million for his new screenplay. He must get paid by the bullet.

4. Woodstock II Nearby hotel rooms are going for hundreds a night. But in keeping with the original event, the bathroom won’t work.

5. The Little Rascals Cute kids acting cute. Not like the ones who will sit next to you at the movies.

6. Baseball Strike Bad owners should be guaranteed a profit, but good ballplayers should have their salaries capped. Who won that Cold War, again?

7. Denny’s A 400-pound man is suing them for discrimination. He had to go to a Big & Tall lawyer to get the right suit.

8. The Rolling Stones Keith Richards hasn’t aged a bit. He still looks dead.

9. Clear and Present Danger Harrison Ford runs the CIA’s war on drugs. Betty Ford’s way works better and cheaper, but she doesn’t blow anything up.

10. Black Beauty A wonderful stallion goes through a series of bad owners. He’s the New York Post of horses.

11. One West Waikiki Doctors, bathing suits, and Cheryl Ladd. This man needs a tourniquet! Quick, give me your top!

12. L.A. Transit Strike Tens of people were inconvenienced.

13. Princess Di Her therapist’s notes were stolen. It turns out she had one horrible recurring dream-she runs out of places to shop.

14. O.J. We just broke into your favorite soap opera to tell you he sneezed. We’ll keep you posted should he sneeze again.

15. Wild West Fires Barbecued spotted owl. It tastes just like chicken.

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