Jim Mullen
July 29, 1994 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Bob Evans The producer’s book has the dirt on everyone. All employees must wash their hands after reading it.

2. The Client Finally, a movie about Sy Sperling and the Hair Club for Men.

3. Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible Should it bomb, the studio will deny any knowledge of this film.

4. North A kid’s search for the perfect parents. They’re all taking their children to The Lion King, not this turkey.

5. Spousal Support for Tom Arnold He’s asking for $100,000 a month. Just until he can get back on someone else’s feet.

6. The Van Cliburn Tour Here’s 10 bucks. I wanna hear ”Piano Man.”

7. Hulk Hogan The Hulkster on steroids? But he looked so natural!

8. Mexican Food How to keep high-fat chiles rellenos off your hips? Wash them down with Mexican water.

9. The Bloody Glove The defense says it was planted. Bougainvillea would have looked better.

10. Anna Nicole Smith The buxom model married an 89-year-old oil millionaire. You can tell he’s a Texan. He wants her to get breast implants.

11. O.J. Simpson Football Dolls They’re worth megabucks to collectors. There’s nothing like the inner glow you get making money off a double homicide.

12. Early Pictures of President Lincoln It’s easy to spot fakes. He’s waving from Air Force One.

13. Astronewts Salamanders can lay eggs in space. For all the billions NASA spends, we should get caviar.

14. Jupiter A huge ball of overheated gas with great pull. A cosmic Rush Limbaugh.

15. Lassie Every child should have a dog like that. But where will we keep its agent, trainer, and groomer?

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