1. Disney’s America Some complain it won’t be authentic. Like Colonial Williamsburg really had tour-bus parking.
2. The Cat On The Plane We heard about Tabitha for 12 days. Such cruelty. To humans.
3. Brian ”Kato” Kaelin O.J.’s pool boy didn’t mention his role in a soft-porn flick. And some thought he was just a freeloading bum.
4. Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley Where is she registered? F.A.O. Schwarz?
5. Family-Sensitive News Some TV stations have stopped putting blood and guts in their local reports. They must want to save it for Saturday morning.
6. GO-O-O-O-O-L! Announcer Andres Cantor’s call almost makes up for the other 891 2 minutes of tedium.
7. Baseball Players’ Strike It’s a class struggle. Millionaires against multimillionaires.
8. True Lies Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife doesn’t know he’s a spy. Like everyone has an ejection seat on the riding mower.
9. Apollo’s 25th Anniversary If this were a giant leap for mankind, wouldn’t we be celebrating it on, like, Mars?
10. 500 Numbers Soon you can have a phone number that will find you wherever you are. Get one for your luggage.
11. Ken Griffey Jr. He’s on a pace to beat Roger Maris’ 33-year-old home-run record. Griffey’s asterisk will say, ”You’re kidding. The Seattle Mariners?”
12. TV Nation A cross between 60 Minutes and Letterman‘s Roof-Cam. The lighter side of exposing greed and corruption.
13. Tom Hanks He’s become Hollywood’s most-sought-after leading man. According to tradition, in about 10 years he’ll have to marry Loni Anderson.
14. The Rolling Stones The Voodoo Lounge tour would sell out faster if they offered a box of Depends with every ticket.
15. Pepsi’s Woodstock Ad A scary look at who’ll turn up 25 years later. Does tofu turn hair gray?