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The Future of the Rolling Stones

EW predicts what’s ahead for Mick Jagger and the rest of the band

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It is July 26, 2003. Mick Jagger sits on the piazza of his French villa, bouncing his six-month-old granddaughter, Ruby Tuesday Dando, on his knee as ex-wives Bianca and Jerry hold out a large creme-tufted cake. In one breath, Jagger extinguishes his 60th-birthday candles and rattles, ”Here’s to the end. It’s been 41 years and, blimey, I w-a-a-a’t some satis-faction.” The hunched trio of Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, and Ronnie Wood pound their canes in agreement. And so the retirement of the Rolling Stones finally begins, although that won’t be the last we hear from them:

*At 65, Michael Philip Jagger is knighted by bonnie King William and is henceforth known as Sir Mick. Apart from ribbon-cutting duties, Sir Mick mostly smacks a polo mallet about and hunts foxes both on and off the field. Two years later, he forms a transcendental rap (trip-hop) group with children Elizabeth, James, and Georgia May called Sir Mick’s Lot and the Sticky Fingaz.

*Upon retirement, Charlie Watts abandons his drums and takes up sewing. In 2011, Watts, 70, opens a Savile Row tailoring business called ”Textiles on Main Street” and outfits foppish senior-citizen rockers David Bowie and Eric Clapton well into their 80s.

*In 2006, Ronnie Wood, 59, reunites with fellow spikey-gray-haired mate Rod Stewart, 61, and forms the Wrinkled Faces, although their first single, ”Da Ya Think I’m Sixty?” bombs. They are later booed off the stage of Geritollapalooza 2014, as are the Grateful Alive.

*Needing cash, Bill Wyman, 69, who retired from the band in 1994, resurfaces in 2005 and goes on the road with Billy Joel, 56, Willie Nelson, 72, and saxophonist Bill Clinton, 59, as the Traveling Billburys. He is kicked off the tour when it is revealed he has married Candy Smith, 14, the daughter of his ex-wife Mandy Smith — meaning his ex-wife is now his mother-in-law.

*In 2008, at 65, Keith Richards retires to Norway, where he enters the Betty Fjord Clinic, discovers yoga and yogurt, and outlives his mates by reaching 114 in 2057.