1. THE UV INDEX The Weather Service’s cheery new ultraviolet-lightrating. Partly cloudy, 30 percent chance of skin cancer.
2. THE CLINTON DEFENSE FUND Is it more embarrassing to let people know you gave money to Clinton or to let them know that you have $1,000 to burn?
3. MANILA FILM FESTIVAL Some of this year’s ”winners” cheated to get their awards. They must call it the Imeldas.
4. FORREST GUMP Tom Hanks as a happy simpleton who does better than his smarter acquaintances. We all know people like that. We work for them.
5. CINDY CRAWFORD She says Richard Gere doesn’t understand her career. But the politics of Tibet, he does?
6. JIM BAKKER Out of prison after only four years. Does hell work that way too?
7. NICOLE SIMPSON’S AKITA It’s hard to believe Hard Copy hasn’t interviewed it yet.
8. AMERICA’S TALKING We were better off when America was reading.
9. MARTINA NAVRATILOVA She’s getting six figures to write three novels. What would Anne Rice get to play tennis?
10. DWIGHT GOODEN Why can’t he be happy having sex with groupies and getting freebie drinks like other ballplayers?
11. NORMAN ROCKWELL STAMPS You can only use them for the Saturday-evening post.
12. THE O.J. JOKE LINE Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone for this? ”Watson, come here! What’s O.J.’s favorite drink?”
13. MR. BLOBBY Britain’s answer to Barney. He first achieved fame as Queen Elizabeth’s clothes designer.
14. HIGH-FAT COFFEE Your double latte is little more than a liquid doughnut. Except you’d feel stupid paying $3 for a doughnut.
15. QVC/CBS MERGER Let Fox have football. Barry Diller thinks a quarterback is something you get with a coupon.