1. What’s the coolest way to kill a career?
A. Get dumped by a bigger-celebrity spouse.
B. Guest-star on Burke’s Law.
C. Get bumped from Vicki! because the Mayberry, R.F.D. reunion ran overtime.
D. Appear in a Stuttering John music video.
Answer: C. Better than actually appearing on Vicki!
2. What’s the coolest way to end a relationship?
A. Brand your spouse as abusive, file for divorce, get back together, file for divorce.
B. Fed Ex a letter.
C. Remove a tattoo.
D. Try to run down your spouse with a car.
E. Marry each other.
Answer: E. But you can still dance with Ethan Hawke.
3. The coolest way to foresee the future is to consult:
A. Vanity Fair’s monthly horoscope
B. La Toya Jackson
C. Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network
D. A Magic 8 Ball
E. Shirley MacLaine
Answer: D. Why? Ask again later.
4. What’s the coolest reason to watch Regis and Kathie Lee?
A. The daily Cody update
B. The insightful interviews
C. The cooking lessons
E. The sexual tension
Answer: A-D. Anything that keeps Kathie Lee from singing.
5. What’s the coolest attitude toward the late-night wars?
A. Dave is overrated.
B. Conan keeps getting better — give him a chance!
C. Kinnear should stick to Talk Soup.
D. Arsenio was the only one who gave time to black music.
E. Koppel’s the funniest of them all.
F. But who watches Jon Stewart?
G. Tom Snyder? Again?
H. Leno looks sharp in a turtleneck.
Answer: E. Plus Ted puts us to sleep the fastest.
6. What’s the coolest rap accessory?
A. Gold chains
B. A beeper
C. A Raiders jacket
D. A gun
E. A melody
Answer: E. Just sample it from a George Clinton tune.
7. Who’s the person you’re most embarrassed to have once considered cool?
D. Woody Allen
E. Michael Jackson
F. Don Johnson
Answer: E. But he could easily make a comeback: All he has to do is play Vegas for 30 years and then do an Unplugged.
8. What’s the coolest Grateful Dead accessory?
A. A Jerry Garcia tie
B. Cherry Garcia ice cream
C. Phish CDs
D. A Grateful Dead polo shirt
E. A functioning cerebrum
Answer: B. With a pint of this, who needs a functioning cerebrum?
9. What’s coolest to despise?
A. The Flintstones
B. The Bridges of Madison County
C. CDs instead of vinyl
D. Tom Cruise as the vampire Lestat
E. Floundering former stars of Saturday Night Live
Answer: A. Yabba-dabba-SHUT UP!
If you’re cool, you don’t care.