1 The Brady Bunch Movie Unless it’s A Very Brady Chainsaw Massacre they should save their money.
2 Roseanne and Tom The national yawn. News will be the day they stay home and keep quiet.
3 Cannes The vulgar and endless promotion of third-rate movies and stars. Are you sure you can’t find my reservations?
4 The Wonderbra The latest aid for the cleavagely challenged. One small step for women, one giant leap for mankind.
5 Philadelphia Voted America’s most hostile city in a poll. Maybe the Welcome Wagon’s armor was being fixed that day.
6 Menendez: A Killing in Beverly Hills And for the rest of us, a changing of the channels.
7 Margarine Scare Thank you, food police, for sucking the joy out of living. Like no one’s ever choked to death on alfalfa sprouts.
8 Bobcat Goldthwait Officials want him for setting fire to Leno’s set. Beavis and Butt-head want him for stealing their act.
9 Michael English Christian music’s artist of the year was having an affair with a married woman. Someone’s confusing amen with a man.
10 Jennifer Capriati The troubled young tennis star has been busted on a pot charge. Some players prefer a grass court.
11 Maverick The first blockbuster film of the summer. It’s got what America wants: four funerals, no weddings.
12 Patti Davis Playboy ”model.” The human body is nothing to be ashamed of. Whining about being rich and famous is.
13 Mia Farrow’s Nanny She has written a tell-all book. Yeah, I confide my innermost thoughts to the babysitter.
14 Miss Universe Pageant What universe? Has a Klingon entered that we don’t know about?
15 Too Fat to Hang One 400-pound inmate says it might decapitate him. Hey, we’re just going to kill him, not cane him.