1 La Toya Jackson She’s recording a country album. Which country?
2 Thumbelina The animated fairy tale with songs by Barry Manilow. One more reason to put off having children.
3 Drew Barrymore’s Surprise Marriage Does she know this means she has to stop dating?
4 Patti Davis Rumor is Playboy offered her $750,000 to pose nude. They’ll have to pay the photographer $1 million.
5 Ikea A new ad features two gay men shopping for their apartment. They figure it will only offend home-ophobics.
6 The Two-Point Conversion You want to make football more exciting? Make them play real lions and bears.
7 Howard Stern for Governor Why not? There are already plenty of jerks in politics.
8 The Fat Gene Talk about luck. I got two of them.
9 Clifford A Martin Short comedy. As opposed to the kind where you laugh.
10 Joan Rivers Starring on Broadway as Lenny Bruce’s mom. She’s come so far. From ”Can we talk?” to ”Can we talk dirty?”
11 Sex Discrimination in the CIA It’s easier for male Russian spies to get promoted than female ones.
12 Zima The new mystery product. Do you drink it or wash your hair with it?
13 The Buttafuoco-Geraldo Boxing Match It’s for a good cause. Fine. Imagine how much they could raise with a double beheading.
14 The House of Spirits Romance and revolution on a South American plantation. This is where all the stuff that was gone with the wind finally landed.
15 The Streisand Tour She couldn’t get anyone to pay $350 a ticket for her movies.