1 The Diet Coke Construction Worker How long did it take him to stop grabbing his crotch and yelling, ”Yo, Mama, I got what you want”?
2 Jurassic Park’s Sequel There’s only one way Spielberg can make it scarier. Clone Al D’Amato
3 Airbag Thieves I said, ”Stealing airbags out of cars has become the new rage.” She said, ”Who would want to steal you?”
4 Above The Rim The latest in a spate of amazingly similar basketball movies. Hollywood could learn something from Michael Jordan. Like when to quit.
5 Winnetka Road A prime-time soap opera of no-so-great expectations in a Midwestern town. Share the fantasy.
6 Dial-a-Thug Now you can hear Jeff Gillooly’s gang give its side of the story. It’s part of the No Friends, No Family Plan.
Jimmy Hollywood Out-of-work actor Joe Pesci becomes a vigilante superhero. Just what we need-SAGman.
8 Monkey Trouble A young girl has to keep her simian pet hidden from her mother. So who’s going to notice 15 or notice banana peels in a kid’s bedroom.
9 The Oscars Limousine gridlock. Can’t celebrities carpool?
10 Robocop The hit movie becomes a TV show. His love interest will be played by ATM.
11 Oprah’s New Contract Do you know what jealous women call a smart, attractive, successful female with a hundred gazillion dollars? Single.
12 Ellen Degeners Another comic gets a series. The fastest way to get on TV today? Be a comedian or a serial killer.
13 Singapore Justice They want to cane an 18-year-old for vandalizing a few cars. His dad says he suffers from deficit disorder. Not anymore.
14 Charles Kuralt Retiring after 15 years on Sunday Morning. How will he ever get used to just sitting and talking for the rest of his life?
15 March Madness That describes judging a university by its basketball team perfectly