1 BARBARA WALTERS She should get more money than Diane Sawyer got. She paid for the ladder Sawyer climbed up on.
2 TONY HARDING Someone in Japan has offered her $2 million to become a pro wrestler. Does she have enough class?
3 THE PAPER The excitement and suspense of a big-city tabloid. And that’s just wondering if your paycheck will bounce.
4 NAKED GUN 33 1/2 I’m not saying they’re old, but some of these jokes worked better in original hieroglyphics.
5 THE ACADEMY AWARDS Almost a billion people around the world watching TV. What a great night to go to a movie.
6 HUGH GRANT Heartthrob of lockjaws. For women who think WASPs are too ethnic.
7 SPRING BREAK Have fun, kids. After you graduate, McDonald’s might not give you that much time off every year.
8 FRUITOPA Coke’s multimillion-dollar juice challenge. Has anyone ever thought of eating plain old fruit?
9 DON JOHNSON AND MELANIE GRIFFITH On-again, off-again. Do they think wedding vows work like a Clapper?
10 WHITEWATER DEVELOPMENT No one thought it was possible to lose money on a land deal in Arkansas. Who knew there was anything below rock bottom?
11 BITTER MOON Roman Polanski’s latest film is rated R. He doesn’t want his ex-girlfriends to be able to see it without him.
12 JESSICA RABBIT You can see X-rated frames on the laserdisc version. It’s okay, Mom, we’re just watching Nudie Toons.
13 THE LOCH NESS MONSTER A confession by a conspirator says the picture is a fake. Can we trust him to tell the truth?
14 JAMES CAAN Booked for allegedly waving a gun in an L.A. parking lot. When did California start arresting people for that?
15 DAVID COPPERFIELD AND CLAUDIA SCHIFFER The magician and the model will marry. He’ll have to start working on a new trick: making in-laws disappear.