Jim Mullen
February 04, 1994 AT 05:00 AM EST

1 OSCAR HOSTS How about Rosie O’Donnell? Oh, they already had the year of the woman. She’ll have to wait until the next millennium.

2 THE COLD WAVE If you freeze your butt off, can they reattach it?

3 L.A. TRAFFIC Thank goodness for the car phone. We can have food deliverd to the freeway.

4 THE POST OFFICE They put the wrong black face on the Bill Pickett stamp. At least it wasn’t Ted Danson’s.

5 JACKSON FAMILY HONORS I’ll bring the potato salad, you bring the kids.

6 JOHN MADDEN Fox has signed the football announcer for $32 million. Many would pay that much to keep him off the air.

7 GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS Oh, yeah, they’re real important. Quick — who won last year?

8 THE SUPER BOWL You’d think they were cutting off someone’s penis.

9 CALVIN KLEIN He gets $64 million for his underwear business. I get funny looks at the Laundromat for mine.

10 BOB DYLAN He’s letting an accounting firm use ”The Times They Are A-Changin”’ in a commercial. My accountant wanted ”I Shall Be Released.”

11 THE ECO CHANNEL Programs about our environment 24 hours a day. Like America’s Funniest Solid Wast Managers and This Old Sewer.

12 REGIS’ WORKOUT TAPE For people who want washboard tongues.

13 THE CRITIC A new prime-time cartoon about a caustic, haughty movie reviewer. Like there’s another kind?

14 BABYLON 5 A bleak view of the future. It takes place 264 years from now and they still haven’t found a cure for baldness.

15 DIANE SAWYER In the middle of a network bidding war, she may end up with even more millions. Female anchors should be as overpaid as male anchors.

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